Anxiety Attacks, Insecurity and Rage
I’m having a little bit of a panic attack right now and it is really hard to come up with the words to say, but I feel like this is the best thing to calm me down. I’m sort of boxed in right now. This happens a lot. I feel cornered, conquered and imprisoned. They left me here alive. My body is a cage. I feel so horrified, disgusted and completely fragmented into a thousand parts of...
Enneagram Type 6w7
Finding out my enneagram type has helped me a lot. Knowing, for a certainty, that I suffer from Anxiety Depression and knowing that regular exercise helps me be present and less reactive has been an important tool for me for the past several months. I’ve been reading up more on anxiety depression lately, and the suicide rates are fairly significant as compared to typical depression. I want...
Gore and Death
I haven’t written in here for a while, but I’m kind of in a weird place. I’m not in school anymore and I’m between transferring and military. My depression anxiety hasn’t been bad, but last night it flared up after one humiliating incident of accidentally insulting a friend during a board game. I just really need to write today. I started to panic when I realized he...
LDS Church launches official site called Mormons... →
Things I Am Thankful For
I write too much in my tumblr when I’m depressed. Here are some of the richest things in my life that I can’t be anything, but completely grateful for: I have a dad with the power of the Priesthood I have a space heater in my room I have an ipod touch that I can watch Netflix on what am I saying - I HAVE NETFLIX[[MORE]] Breaking Bad, Mad Men, and sad movies with Adrian Brody help keep...
It's Finally Happening
My sister beat her 3 year old child, who still cannot speak, to the point of apparently ‘near’-unconsciousness. Foster Care gambles with rape/molestation, maybe even murder. Social Services might put a restraining order on the entire family in an effort to ensure no-contact with his mom. I… I don’t know what the right choice is. To send him away into the gamble that is...
I’m contemplating speaking with a doctor and talking to them about depression-anxiety. If I were to be diagnosed, I would forfeit my financial life-saver of entering into the military. But if I really can be treated with medication, I could potentially save my emotional life/actual-physical-exisence. Which means I could work stronger on my portfolio and possibly enhance my functionality to...
I seriously appreciate the responses. After that little breakdown, my roommates happened to be having a good night when I got back from campus and were very welcoming. It warmed up my night. But the next day, things returned to normal. It’s interesting how I’ll be crying, and thinking about the future, and the bad parts of the present, and how I invite hopelessness and ultimatums to...
Emergency Writing - Sorry
This might be a panic attack, I don’t know. But I’m freaking out inside. I had to leave class before the anxiety got worse. I went to a bathroom to half-cry, knowing that people will still have to see me afterward so it can’t be an ugly cry. Now I’m in the library, with no place to go. I have another class in an hour and a half and I need to go. I want to be better. I...
The Math of My Isolation
I live with 5 other roommates off-campus and we all commute to school. 1 is male, the rest are female. 00000 <— social fulfillment/ roommate tallies On our third day having moved in, the male confessed his love for one of the other roomies. It was not returned and everyone in the house was/is disgusted that he placed himself in the shoes of a bachelor. The females have been avoiding...
almost-sister-butler-deactivate asked: Hey, if you can pull off a modest suit and look hot in it, why not? :') The main thing is to read your scriptures, talk with Heavenly Father often, and really do your best to keep the commandments. I wear pants to church a lot, because I work in Nursery and skirts aren't exactly the most modest if a kid decides to flip your skirt up, but yeah. Remember, the Gospel is perfect but the...
oliveseraphim asked: Oh my god so I just found your blog and went "shit, we're twins!" cos you're queer and a christian and there aren't many around and you're awesome and <3333 okai? :D
Two things I didn’t find out/admit about myself until now. (At twenty years old) 1) I have panic attacks. 2) I am genderqueer. #1 occurs at church because of #2. I am attracted to metrosexual men and (exclusively) androgynous women. I’ve never felt like I needed to admit this someplace before because I’ve never necessarily acted on any homosexual feelings. It’s always...
I was having a moment yesterday, so… sorry about that. Those moments occur often and I guess it drove me to come back to my tumblr. I’ve blocked out life with religion for a while now, it feels like. And it will never feel right, no matter how much I let my feelings drift me away from God. [[MORE]] I’m thinking of going to church after I get my refund and go through the...
My Dad is getting sick.
He says that his workplace is purposely sending young girls across his path at places like the bank, the grocery store or even in restaurants so that they can build a false case against him as some kind of pedophile. Being my only contact with my family, my dad now keeps his phone turned off nearly 24/7 because it’s “so obvious“[ly] bugged. He says that the guys in security at...
Celebrities Who Attempted Suicide - Survivors →
Just because Mormons don't necessarily agree with... →
butterfly-catastrophe: an article about a bunch of LDS people in Utah who marched in a Gay Pride parade. I know several openly homosexual Mormons, and they tell me it’s very difficult, but the greatest thing that helps them stay faithful in the church is the fact that other members of the church see no difference between homosexuals and heterosexuals, because we are all children of God, and...
2012: First Attempt at Attending Singles Ward
I finally attended a church meeting. Everything was absolutely perfect besides my roommate/visitor friend who was uncomfortably a missionary-moment-magnet. That didn’t come unexpected though and we were prepared. Regardless, mission accomplished and I want to go back next Sunday!! I also want to start going to an institude class this summer! Additionally: Since I wore dress pants, my...
It feels like it's been forever
I’m a flake. Frosted. I told my roommate how lost I feel lately and how I’ve never been an active member in my church before. She isn’t a member, but attends several youth groups on her campus and she said she’d go with me today so I wouldn’t have to go alone. Part of me thinks she’s curious about the church, but I really don’t have the energy to be a...