I’m having a little bit of a panic attack right now and it is really hard to come up with the words to say, but I feel like this is the best thing to calm me down.
I’m sort of boxed in right now. This happens a lot. I feel cornered, conquered and imprisoned. They left me here alive. My body is a cage. I feel so horrified, disgusted and completely fragmented into a thousand parts of myself. My panic attacks come from lots of things - threatening people, severe guilt, overwhelming stress, feelings of failure and insecurity. Today, it’s failure and insecurity, which is much quieter than the other types of anxiety attacks I get.
My shoulders hurt from being so tense all the time. I feel like people must see me as someone who hunches a lot. I’m… tense. Or do I really have a hunch regardless?
This happens so fast and I feel thrusted off the face of a cliff, completely unprepared and just praying to hit the ground sooner. The acceleration is exhausting, tortuous and extremely disturbing. It is meshed with feelings of rage and defense, thoughts and desperate impulsions of violence. I love that I am paralyzed by my panic attacks (calm to other people) and I am, at the very least, able to exhaust these impulsions with purposeful visions (daydreams) of violence instead of actual actions. But they make me feel… really tainted to use thoughts of violence in such a comforting way.
Anxiety attacks are just hard to deal with.