Posts tagged church
Posts tagged church
Two things I didn’t find out/admit about myself until now. (At twenty years old)
1) I have panic attacks.
2) I am genderqueer.
#1 occurs at church because of #2.
I am attracted to metrosexual men and (exclusively) androgynous women. I’ve never felt like I needed to admit this someplace before because I’ve never necessarily acted on any homosexual feelings. It’s always been a fact that I don’t associate well with ‘girly’ females, and… that I dress like a boy. I’ve wanted to, but won’t go as far as cutting my hair off. If there’s any alienation I could experience, I’ve never wanted to pile my gender association on top of my family problems, which is supposed to be the focal point of this blog. But I’m finding that a lot of my confusion and disinterest with marriage and dating (and many other things in mormon-culture) has been because I haven’t been able to find where my self-esteem lies in my gender. The mormon culture isn’t a part of the gospel, but the gender associations in church attire come with anxious baggage if resisted.
I have a stronger testimony than I might possibly have any homosexual feelings… if that makes sense. But my gender association is quite pungent and stands close to the intensity of my testimony.
It’s embarrassing to dress like a woman. It insults me when a friend recommends to me a jacket that is a little more low-cut and ‘flattering’ to my body. That’s not me. At least I’m not shopping in the boy’s section of walmart, I try to build a specific style. I… it’s embarrassing to try and defend myself because nobody understands, but I don’t feel like a girl on the inside. I’ve often said to my LGBT friends (my closest friends) that I’m a gay man inside a woman’s body.
an article about a bunch of LDS people in Utah who marched in a Gay Pride parade.
I know several openly homosexual Mormons, and they tell me it’s very difficult, but the greatest thing that helps them stay faithful in the church is the fact that other members of the church see no difference between homosexuals and heterosexuals, because we are all children of God, and that’s all that matters to us.
I’m proud to find a post like this here on tumblr. Here’s an interesting quote from the MormonNewsRoom:
"The Church’s mission is to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ, not to elect politicians. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is neutral in matters of party politics." - MormonNewsRoom.org, Political Neutrality.
Even though there are some common political beliefs among many church members, politics aren’t church doctrine and I think the variables within political matters are too broad for even the gospel to indicate directly as black or white. It’s a personal decision that only the voter - a prayerful voter, can make. I wish it weren’t the case, but it shouldn’t be surprising to encounter non-republican members of the LDS church.
One last quote - from the LDS Gay Parade article:
One man walking with the group reflected on a cluster of suicides in Mapleton when he was growing up. They were mostly teenagers and some were gay.
"There have been too many LDS deaths," said Adam Ford, 40, who now lives in Alpine. "No doctrine is more important than God’s children."
I finally attended a church meeting.
Everything was absolutely perfect besides my roommate/visitor friend who was uncomfortably a missionary-moment-magnet. That didn’t come unexpected though and we were prepared. Regardless, mission accomplished and I want to go back next Sunday!! I also want to start going to an institude class this summer!
Additionally: Since I wore dress pants, my roommate did too… and
WE WERE THE ONLY GIRLS IN PANTS OUT OF THE WHOLE WARD.
The other part I didn’t enjoy… (which I SERIOUSLY feel guilty for) was… relief society. Gospel principles class was nice and layed back, but relief society is that big cheesy buzzkill at the end of a good day.
They were like:
And I was like:
Anyone know what I mean?
I’m a flake. Frosted. I told my roommate how lost I feel lately and how I’ve never been an active member in my church before. She isn’t a member, but attends several youth groups on her campus and she said she’d go with me today so I wouldn’t have to go alone. Part of me thinks she’s curious about the church, but I really don’t have the energy to be a missionary when I myself can’t even become active. Whatever it is, I’m glad she’s going with me, but I have no idea how any of this will pan out. I’m nervous to go back to the singles ward which I had only attended for a month of last year, but I really want to find my way back to God and live my life along his paths…
I’m not a very great person and I feel guilty, and sad that I’m still experiencing wonderful blessings in my life everyday. Why? How do I deserve even this much?
Also, totally not wearing a skirt. (yayeeyayee)
Hopefully the usual trying-to-go-back-to-church-thing won’t happen:
"Looking at my own life, much of the good I have accomplished has been due to the balancing of these two forces, and ultimately learning to submit to faith. My commitment to help others came out of it, as did many of the habits I learned as a missionary and serving in the Church. So did my love of people, writing this blog, and a hundred other things in my life - all held in place because of two very real truths - through living the gospel I can find peace and hope, and my life is sometimes not peaceful or hopeful. Which means that with each passing day, I strive to find ways to better live by the principles that I believe…"
Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone.
But wilt thou know, O vain man, that faith without works is dead?
For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also.
1 Thessalonians 1:3
Remembering without ceasing your work of faith, and labour of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ, in the sight of God and our Father;
(Source: , via ntapasa)