Posts tagged dad
Posts tagged dad
I’m learning how to associate more humor into the disconnect between me and my dad. I wish it were some obviously untrue melodramatic ‘wahh nobody cares’ thing, but it’s scary when, literally, the only contact I have with my family is a 6-minute call about once or twice a month from my dad. (I can never get a hold of him when I call)
“Real living is living for others.”
- Bruce Lee
I’ve been avoiding writing a real entry here… for 3+ months now? And I guess it’s because I haven’t had anything uplifting and positive to say specifically from the perspective of my own life. The only feeling I have had since returning to the subject of my faith and abuse has been to confess my pain, trials and changes. The darkness I brought back into my life is something I’m still fighting; That, and the circus that is my family.
Part of these experiences might help to put into perspective my struggles with suicide, fear and faith… And maybe somebody out there can relate and know they’re not alone in their struggles.
The blues came at me again…
My dad called me for the first time in 3 weeks. His objective was to know the date I was coming home so he could know when to pick me up. We exchanged small talk, which mostly consisted of me telling him a list of things I thought would make him proud of me. He responded with the usually cryptic and hard to read, “that’s great hun.” He ended my talk in less than 15 minutes with, “well I guess I’ll see you May 13th then. I love you hun… mhm buh-bye.”
I can’t describe how much the words, “wait dad! I want to talk a little bit more. I miss you.” were shivering in my throat after he had already hung up. They were so hot that my eyes started to sweat, and I wanted more than anything for him to call me back and tell me that I’m a good artist, or that I’m special, or that he loves and cares for me. That he misses me around the house or… just anything. But its always nothing. It’s him checking about a date, money or a holiday, or anything that would include him coming to pick me up from school. When I’m with him, he either says nothing or talks about my sister, or he’ll talk about history or the gospel. Which are all good things. My dad is very wise.