Posts tagged fear

I’ve started working out everyday/every other day and I think it’s changed something about myself… chemically.

It used to be easy to let my heart drop miserably into my stomach as a result of the self-inflicted thought that I was alone, unlovable, and a complete and utter failure. It worked when a friend wasn’t available to hang out, or when I had just received a bad grade or when, especially, I compared my family and parents to my friends’ families. It was the most immediate way to channel the stress/pain that occurred within my trials, and from my daily troubles of life. This endless cycle seemed like all I could do at the time.

But since I’ve started working out consistently, I can’t even muster up one lousy sniffle. 

It’s unbelievably miraculous the psychological changes that have recently taken place. I feel somewhat formidable in the presence of those who once made me shrink in inferiority. I don’t feel sorry for myself throughout the day, or sorry for the facets of my family… I don’t constantly pine for the embrace of a loving mother or the functionality of a structured family. I can’t place a single searing thought into my heart except it be for the anxiety in expanding my wisdom/faith of the Gospel, for the preparedness of the U.S. Air Force, and for keeping up with my ever-exhausted dad.

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I used to think it did even out and that it provided an adequate substitute for the attention, normalcy and acceptance that one should recieve in their own families on a daily basis. But as painfully tortuous as it sounds to me…. friends aren’t always a daily basis in life.

Friends come and go. They don’t always have to like you. Sometimes they don’t want to talk to you for days and sometimes you’ll be their last resort on the weekends. Some friends only want to text you and never call while others prefer lunchdates every two weeks. If you’re lucky, you manage to find ones that decide to hang out with you as often as immediately convenient for them. 

Your family has an obligation to love, care and support you… But friends don’t.

And…. thats perfectly fair. 

It’s just… the setup that’s messed up. The imbalance. It’s not anyone’s fault that my family is selfish, abusive and comprised of mentally unstable persons/drug addicts. It’s not anyone’s obligation to stand in and help fulfill that area of personal loneliness. As a bonus, my family problems are extremely overwhelming/oftentimes aboslutely helpless and seem to arrive as one big pity party. This is an independent battle of which no person can immediately help, except for (maybe) a therapist and most importantly, myself. 

It’s just really hard when even the slightest piece of honest rejection coming from a trusted friend hits me because they are, literally, all I’ve got. So much so that I become physically sick and I feel like I want to run as far away as possible. This, combined with the despair of my familiy situation, contributes to that horrifying, wretched wave of suicidal thoughts. 

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I’ve been avoiding writing a real entry here… for 3+ months now? And I guess it’s because I haven’t had anything uplifting and positive to say specifically from the perspective of my own life. The only feeling I have had since returning to the subject of my faith and abuse has been to confess my pain, trials and changes. The darkness I brought back into my life is something I’m still fighting; That, and the circus that is my family. 

Part of these experiences might help to put into perspective my struggles with suicide, fear and faith… And maybe somebody out there can relate and know they’re not alone in their struggles.

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