Posts tagged prayer

I googled the number for a suicide hotline the other night and cried.
I was crying because of how many backs are turned in my family.
I was crying because of how many backs have been turned in my family.
and I was crying because I was terrified of how many more backs will turn in the future.

I was especially crying because I didn’t plan to kill myself
and just needed someone to talk to.

At what point is it okay for me to have an emotional collapse and beg my friends to listen to me? I don’t have anyone else right now but my friends, and they’re not here. I’m so afraid my burdens will scare them away, and then I’ll have no one. 

I need to take it to Heavenly Father. I need to curl up in a ball with my hands together, and cry for help. Pray for guidance, comfort, and understanding. I’ve been trying to ignore my past, but the present is filled with so much harder stuff, and it’s all becoming hard to bear.

This time, I can’t leave and find a friend to keep myself pre-occupied. I have to face this on my own for the next two weeks until I get back to school. I have to learn to be alone in the healthiest most productive way possible… and it’s hard not to dwell on the structure of my family and how it’s effected my life. It’s hard not to compare myself and my family to others, not to believe that I’ll always be alone, and it’s hard to find a morsel of hope that someday I’ll find that love and security elsewhere in this life.
 

It is a nonsensical, embarrassing and unfair dream… but sometimes I wish that friends could be as permanent as a family is. I wish they weren’t a privilege that came and went with the tides of life.

I wish I could be guaranteed that I’d never be alone… 
and I know that this is possible through the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Joshua 1:9

Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.