Posts tagged strength
Posts tagged strength
And I am surprised to find how peaceful it’s been. I’m staying with my sister for the week which is only a block away from my parent’s house. Somehow, we’ve decided that I’m living with her in the summer.
I don’t have a doubt in my mind that Heavenly Father had a hand in that.
Ive run into the bad side of my mom a few times, and I have to sleep in the same room as a picture of my sister before her schizophrenia hit, but really, those are the only things that have been painful this break. There is something else, but I’d rather not risk talking about it.
This is going to sound stupid given how much Ive been blessed coming home: But at night, waves of things have been hitting me. And Im sniffling, whimpering, and feeling completely defeated, incapable, alone and unloved. Somehow, even between the beautiful weather, the consistent plans and the cleanliness and peace of a new location, somehow… I still manage to find a way to pull myself into feelings of complete worthlessness. And honestly, in that moment, I feel like it’s true. Then I’m fantasizing about the day of my death.
Things aren’t so bad right now! Maybe its my return home? Maybe its the change in the relationships with my friends? Maybe it’s the anxiety of getting my school work done?
[I’m back at school] My spirits are high, and my joy incalculable… I stood in near-disbelief when within a 3 hour break between classes, (1) a friend of a friend left the animation class I had wanted so badly to take this semester and gave it to me, and (2) an accidental encounter at the library with a different friend somehow landed me a job.
I was also guaranteed a one-bedroom apartment today after some leg-work [in the cold, slushy, miserably wet snow], calls, and a lot of paperwork.
It’s been 5 days, and my heart has lingered on the circumstances of my family only a few times… I’ve been busy with school and friends.
So many of my tear-filled prayers have been answered since returning to school. It makes me want to cry in happiness, humility and gratefulness for the truth, strength and the love extended to me in my life. Cry because I know that I’ll be safe, and ever-more in the life to come. Cry knowing I’m on the right path, that Jesus Christ is my Savior and that I will be okay.
It feels like all of my fears are falling behind me, and I’m moving forward in life. Heavenly Father has given me back my zest for drawing, safety in living and financial security. Friends. He’s giving me that confidence I asked Him for… the will to step forward and know that I can accomplish something. That there is a place for me in this generation, and that I am capable of surviving. For the first time in a long time, I feel safe.
There are a lot of things that suck about my life. My childhood, my family, my home… But I’ve found so many good things in different places. I have especially found good things in living the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
She doesn’t know about my family and she doesn’t know about my past
She doesn’t know how incredibly lonely I’ve been the past week
She doesn’t know how afraid I am of my life
But she drove me to her house and we watched a movie.
We laughed and we talked about small things.
We played a board game, watched tv together
and enjoyed the company of a visiting friend.
She dropped me off at home and drove away.
Nothing too far from the old ordinary thing
But there are two extremely significant feelings I have right now that I want to share with you:
1. I’m drained.
2. I’m calm.
Stephanie Nielson, survivor of a near-fatal plane crash, shares her story of a beautiful life centered on faith in Jesus Christ and love of family.
I can’t explain how much hope and strength this girl has given me in the last few months. I wanted to share this experience with anyone who would hear her story. You can also read her blog here